Nashville Protest Rally (3/15/17), My Thoughts….

Here’s what I noticed at the Trump rally/protest in Nashville last night.

Anti-Trump people far outnumbered the pro-Trump people. (We were a BIGLY group!) It was a mostly peaceful protest, and the police were wonderful. They even let a 20-something-year-old disabled vet sit up against their police car when he was too tired to stand on his prosthetic leg. Kudos to the Nashville police who did their jobs well. (A state trooper also tried to pick me up on my way home, but that’s a story to be told at another time….)

We (anti-Trump protesters) were a diverse group. I talked to a guy who said he hadn’t been to a protest since the Vietnam War, and there were people of all hues and folks of all ages. The Trump people skewed young and were mostly white, though there were a few people of color, including a few Latinos and disabled folks. Weird.

Many of us who came to protest the SCROTUM (So-Called Ruler of the Uneducated ‘Mericans) had signs, some of which were so funny and/or so creative. Or, these signs just expressed folks’ angst–and anger–over a president who seems to mostly care about enriching himself and his rich friends.

My favorites?

–“Who’s Your Daddy?” (with a picture of Putin on the other side)
–“Honk if you think Trump is a raging loon”
–“I’ve made a huge mistake.” (held by a Vietnam Vet)
–“We need a leader and not a dreadful tweeter.”
–“Ban Assholism.”
–“40 Percent Approval? SAD!” (The woman carrying the sign told everyone that his approval ratings had dropped since she had written it.)
–“Trumpcare: Thinning the Herd Since 2017.”
–“Congress, give me your health insurance.”
–“IKEA makes better cabinets than Trump does.”

There was also the guy dressed as Darth Vader whose sign said, “I thought I was evil, but he’s beating me.” Of course, I loved the dude with the Alec Baldwin face mask.
DNG and Alex


Not one Trump supporter I saw had a sign that touted what they liked about him. How did we know who was a Trump supporter? They were either wearing a red “Make America Great Again” baseball cap or ski hat, or they were waving a Trump sign (sometimes in a protester’s face), or they had some anti-Hillary meme. That’s it. They’re making the Trump family richer, one crappy red Chinese-made hat at a time….


I don’t really know what it means that the Trump people didn’t seem to articulate what it is they like about him (I’m going to stay away from any jokes right now that critique the critical thinking abilities of the average Trump voter), but I guess it’s hard to put on paper how cool it is that the “Pussy Grabber” (as many signs called him) you love goes on vacation (to his private resort) just about every weekend to play golf; watches six hours of tv each day and gets his security briefings from Fox News and Breitbart; has proposed a budget that eliminates Meals on Wheels and other programs that help the poor and the disabled and the elderly; has handlers like KellyAnne and Spicey Boy who wouldn’t know the truth if Frederick Douglass visited them from the Bowling Green Massacre and slapped them upside the head with a microwave oven; gives tax breaks to his rich friends while pretending these tax cuts will trickle down to the middle class in the form of more jobs; rolls back regulations so that those who live near coal mines can get sludge in their water which will probably cause many more people to get cancer; and promotes a replacement to the Affordable Care Act which will mean millions of folks will lose their health insurance while the wealthy get more tax cuts.

As a sign at the rally said, “Republican Insurance Plan–R.I.P. to You and Yours”

I think the best sign of all the ones I saw holds the most hope for this country. It was a painting of three people that said, “We ALL Belong Here. We Will DEFEND each other.”

Yes, we will. It is, after all, what truly makes America great.

We All Belong

Dear White People Who are Outraged at Colin Kaepernick….

Dear White People (who are outraged that San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the singing of the National Anthem):

Could you please be as outraged by how *some* white police officers treat black and brown people in this country?

Could you please be as outraged by an educational system that often leaves poor white children and children of color at a stark disadvantage for most of their lives?

Could you please stop saying that “soldiers died for this country so how dare Kaepernick disrespect the National Anthem” when these soldiers actually sacrificed their lives for people like Kaepernick to protest the injustices he sees in any way he sees fit? This is America, after all, and not Iran or Syria.

Could you please reread (or just read) the history of Francis Scott Key and the “Star-Spangled Banner,” where you might learn that Key was not fan of black folks and the third stanza of our national anthem actually encourages (and sort of celebrates) the murder of African Americans during the Battle of Ft. McHenry in Baltimore during the War of 1812?

Could you white folks who are still so “outraged” please stop saying that Kaepernick should be “grateful” that he lives in a country that “allows” him to make millions of dollars just to play football? Stop being ok with “allowing” black men like Kaepernick to entertain you while this country systematically incarcerates—and kills—too many black and brown men who aren’t good enough to entertain you on Saturday and Sunday afternoons.

To those who question Kaepernick’s motives—after all, he’s just a rich black dude who’s supposed to just throw a football up and down the gridiron (preferably without throwing an interception) and keep his mouth shut unless he’s talking about football—let me tell you what Muhammad Ali said: “I know I got it made while the masses of black people are catching hell, but as long as they ain’t free, I ain’t free.”

Kaepernick says that he will continue to sit during the National Anthem as a show of solidarity with “the people that are being oppressed…. When there’s significant change and I feel like that flag represents what it’s suppose to represent, this country is representing people the way that it’s supposed to, I’ll stand.” Thank you, Kaepernick, for being the voice to the those on the margins and for speaking out when so many other black athletes choose to remain silent to the injustices of people of all colors. “To me,” Kaepernick says, “this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way.”

Dr. King once said, “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’” If you’re more outraged by Kaepernick’s protest than by his message of how America continues to treat some of her black and brown brothers and sisters, you, my dear friend, are part of the problem. Try to make yourself part of the solution, please. Talk to someone who doesn’t look like you because you might hear a perspective you would have never considered. Find a black or brown person and have an honest dialogue about race and racism in this country. Read W.E.B. DuBois’s The Souls of Black Folk or Michelle Alexander’s The New Jim Crow. Turn off Fox News. Educate yourself.

Before his death in 1993, Thurgood Marshall said:

“I wish I could say that racism and prejudice were only distant memories. We must dissent from the indifference. We must dissent from the apathy. We must dissent from the fear, the hatred and the mistrust…. We must dissent because America can do better, because America has no choice but to do better.”

Whether or not you agree with Kaepernick’s decision to sit during the National Anthem, please turn the volume of your outrage to the left and consider the point he’s trying to make—that America (still) has some work to do to make it the “land of the free and home of the brave” for everyone. Perhaps Kaepernick’s protest will spark some painful but brutally honest and maybe even some fruitful conversations between white folks and people of color.

It’s 2016, America. It’s way past time to do better.


Your Black Friend (and Nubian Princess) When You Need One

P.S. Just for the record, I always stand when the National Anthem is playing, but I completely respect Kaepernick’s decision to sit.


My Brother’s 49th Birthday

Today, my brother would have turned 49.

His death six years ago was shocking enough, but to learn he had committed suicide made his death that more difficult to grasp. Why would someone as happy and as jovial as he purposely end his life?

There are still no answers to the why, as he never left a suicide note. Of course, I have my own ideas, but I have no evidence to substantiate any of my theories.

I still remember the shame I felt every time someone asked how my brother had died, and even then—in the midst of my grief—I understood that his death would have been much easier to stomach had he been killed in a car accident or died of an illness. A suicide often leaves the survivors feeling both shame and guilt, as if we’ve done something wrong and that we could have done something to stop it.

Though I no longer feel any shame, I still wish there was something I could have said or done to have changed my brother’s mind. Yes, the guilt is still there. The grief is still there, too. As Keanu Reeves once said, “Grief changes shape, but it never ends.”

It’s been 2,284 days since my brother’s suicide, and although the grief has subsided, it still lingers. I’m not sure I’ve gone a day without thinking about him, and I long for the day when I’ll only remember all the great times we had together and not just how he died.

Robert Frost wrote, “In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” Yes, life does go on for those of us left behind. I’ve learned to smile when I wanted to cry, and I’ve learned that it’s ok to just let myself cry. I hope my brother knows that I’ve never judged his decision to end his life because, as Seneca says, “Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”

I hope my brother is happy wherever he is and that he is celebrating his 49th birthday with Donna Summer and Prince. And my Grandma.




Dear White People:

Dear White People Who Think Obama is the “Divider in Chief” and the Reason Why the Relationship Between Blacks and Whites is So Bad in 2016:

What have *YOU* done to improve race relations?

Do you have any black or brown friends (and by “friends” I don’t mean work friends)? When you organize a girls’ or guys’ night out, does your social group look like you, or is it as diverse as American society? Do you mostly interact with people who look like you, save the workers in the stores where you buy your groceries and clothes?

Did you take a black studies class in college, or did you think those classes were “just for black people”?

When is the last time a black or brown person came to your house to hang out with you and your family? To eat dinner with your family? To play tennis with your family? To watch the Super Bowl with your family? Are the only non-white people who come to (and into) your house folks who are doing work for you?

Do you regularly chat with people of different races about their experiences as non-white persons in America? Have you ever been party to a racial joke or a racist comment by a white friend or family member and simply remained silent because “that’s just how Uncle Bill is”? When is the last time you stood up for someone who did not look like you?

Are you paying attention to the dog whistle politics that colors (pun intended) how so many of you see black and brown America? Turn off Fox News, and learn to think for yourself, please.

Do you live in a predominately-white neighborhood and never really realized it until now? Do your kids go to predominately-white schools where the teachers and those in charge are all white and the custodians are all black and brown? Are you as outraged about our unequal educational system as the non-white parents in those poorer and mostly black and brown neighborhoods are?

Former President George Bush said, “Too often, we judge other groups by the worst example while judging ourselves by our best intentions.” Do you judge all black and brown folks (and other people of color) based on the actions of a few who may not be behaving well? Are you quick to rationalize why black men are shot by the police while finding excuses for why white men shoot up movie theaters or elementary schools?

Please stop blaming President Obama for the racial division(s) we have in this country, especially if you aren’t actively doing anything to make things better.

Go find yourself a black or brown friend, and start having an honest dialogue about what it’s like to be a minority in this society. Years ago, Rodney King asked if we could all just “get along,” but we won’t ever get along if white people don’t join black and brown people in having serious and brutally honest—and sometimes very painful—conversations about what it’s like to be black or brown in America.

You might not find a solution to the racial quagmire in which our nation finds itself today and we might never usher in that post-racial society that Barack Obama’s presidency was supposed to realize, but perhaps we can usher in a post-racist society because, in 2016, race (still) matters.


Your Black Friend Who Will Gladly Tell You Like It Is


You’ve turned 30 again; please tell us what you’ve learned about life this second time.

Dear Dwonna:

I heard you told your students that you turned 30 again. Please do tell me what you’ve learned about life this second time around.




Dear Tiffany:

Yes, it’s true. I’m one of the lucky few who got to turn 30 again. (I think my friend Kristin McKinnon Nagovan, my friend from high school, turned 30 again, too.) Here are 10 clichés/quotes that summarize what I’ve learned about life so far….

 1.  “I’ve heard there are troubles of more than one kind; some come from ahead, and some come from behind. But I’ve brought a big bat. I’m all ready, you see; now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” –Dr. Seuss

After my older brother’s suicide on May 4, 2010, my little brother said to me, “Well, sis, you’re the oldest now, so you’re in charge.” I had spent 41 years being known to many as Eric’s little sister, and when we were kids, I often prayed for an identity other than that of “Eric’s little sister.” I had not been very close to my brother when he died, and I have regretted all the years I had spent being angry at him or convincing myself that he was jealous of me. I wish I had called more, visited more, Facebooked him more. I wish I had left the past in the past and forged an adult relationship with him, but I didn’t. Ann Richards once said, “I have very strong feelings about how you lead your life. You always look ahead; you never look back.” I disagree. Sometimes you must look to the past in order to make a different—and healthier—choice about what to do today.

2.  “You’re known by the company you keep.” –My Dad

My dad used to tell my brothers and me this all the time beginning when I was in 6th grade and wanted to hang out with the kids in the neighborhood who smoked the Marlboro cigarettes they had stolen from their mothers’ purses. I never really understood this until I got older and saw how people would treat me based on the people I was hanging around with. I know that we’re not supposed to judge—the Bible says to “Judge not, lest ye be judged”—but you should be judicious with whom you spend your time. Surround yourself with people who are trying to do good things in their lives and not with those who are satisfied with the status quo.

3.  “Don’t try to be happier than happy.” –Colin Cowherd, Fox Sports Radio

Colin Cowherd, my favorite sports radio guy who isn’t on the radio right now (he’ll soon be on FOX Sports), used to say this all the time. Too many people seem to think that there is some magical place called “happy,” and they give up perfectly good jobs or dump perfectly good people because they think there’s something better around the corner. Stop it. Though I admit that it’s sometimes quite difficult to discern the difference between being content and just being afraid of challenge, content is ok, too.

Last spring, I sat in my office with Bri Stevens, one of my lovely students from Memphis, and we were discussing what her post-graduation plans were. She then asked me how long I had been at Austin Peay and why I was still there. “You’re too good to be here,” she very nonchalantly said. “I just don’t understand why you waste your time here when you could be doing something else so much better than this.” I admit that her words left me speechless, and it’s not the first time I’ve had to defend why I’m at a place “like Austin Peay.” Briana and I have talked about this many times, and although she says she appreciates what she has learned from me, she thinks I should be doing something greater—like being on television or radio or writing a national column.

Sure, I’d love to have a bigger forum where I can tell people what I think, but for now, I’m pretty content showing my Peayness and harassing—I mean teaching—my students to think differently and more inclusively about race and racism. I like that I can help first-generation students as they proceed to graduation, and I especially love helping soldiers transition back to the classroom. Maybe someday I’ll get that job at the University of Iowa where I can buy a farmhouse and rescue homeless dogs, but for now, I’m pretty content at the Peay, Briana.

4.  “The greatest challenge is discovering who you are. The second greatest challenge is being happy with what you find.” –Facebook?

I saw this on FB and immediately fell in love with it. I’ve always been kind of quirky and very much a maverick—just ask my mother who could never understand why I couldn’t just be like everyone else. If my mother had wanted me to be like everyone else, she should have named me “Julie” instead of Dwonna Naomi Goldstone. I’ve stopped trying to be like everyone else—well, let me be frank; I wasn’t really trying to be like everyone else—and I have embraced being the quirky, loud, sometimes obnoxious, oftentimes very opinionated, short black girl that I am. Be you; everyone else is taken.

5.  “When people call you ‘Nigger,’ be so good at what you’re doing they’ll have to call you ‘Mr. Nigger.’” –Satchel Paige, Negro League Baseball player

When I was a freshman at the University of Iowa, two white baseball players told me to “Keep walking Nigger” as I walked by their dorm room on my way back to mine. It wasn’t the first time a white man had ever been called me a Nigger, but this one stung because I thought I had left that kind of racism behind when I graduated from Moline High School. I thought college would introduce me to open-minded people who didn’t use that word to harass and intimidate the few black students on campus. I was wrong.

Shortly after that incident, I read that quote in a Sports Illustrated article about Satchel Paige, and it stuck with me so much that I wrote it on a piece of paper and taped it to my dorm room bulletin board. I have often repeated this quote to my black students who weary about the racism they encounter at Austin Peay, and I tell them that even if white people don’t like you because of the color of *your* skin, at least live the kind of life that means that they will have to respect you. In my case, at least white folks who hate me have to call me “Dr. Nigger.”

6.  “I’m sorry I’m not sorry for believing that everything in life should be earned.” –James Harrison, Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker

This is what linebacker James Harrison of the Pittsburgh Steelers wrote on Instagram to explain why he returned his 6- and 8- year-old sons’ “participation trophies.” “While I am very proud of my boys for everything they do and will encourage them till the day I die,” Harrison wrote, “these trophies will be given back until they EARN a real trophy.” I scream a very loud “AMEN!” to James Harrison. Too many of my students think that they should get a good grade because they tried, but the “benefit of competition isn’t actually winning. The benefit is improving.” My job isn’t to build your self-esteem by giving you something you did not earn, and you can build your self-esteem by doing things that are hard and by challenging yourself every day.

My favorite professors are the ones who have challenged me. At the University of Iowa, Drs. Mae Henderson, Robert Weems, and Darwin Turner challenged me to do excellent work in their classes (the would accept nothing less from me) while fostering and nurturing my love of African American literature, history, and culture. At Brown University, I had an African American professor who called me into her office because she didn’t like the tattered clothes I was wearing, and when I told her that all the white students wore those kinds of clothes, she brusquely stopped what she was doing and said: “Those white boys and girls have jobs waiting for them; you don’t. You’ll have to work for yours.”

Most of you, my dear Austin Peay students, will have to work for whatever it is you want. Challenge yourselves. Enroll in the class with the “hard” professor. Embrace your mistakes, and then learn from them. And, always remember that you don’t get rewarded just for showing up. You’ll mostly get rewarded for doing well.

7.  “Do something every day that scares you.” –Eleanor Roosevelt

I asked my friend Brenda Ford about this, and she gave me a perspective I had not thought of. I’ve always thought that the First Lady was telling me to challenge myself in a big and momentous way—to run a half marathon or to write another book. For Brenda, scary things are “committing to lifelong purposes. Jumping off a cliff with a parachute is scary, but it’s just once, and it’s not forever.” As adults, we learn pretty quickly that the world can be a scary place, from raising children in this sometimes (oftentimes?) chaotic world to applying for a new job to going back to school as an adult learner to choosing to love and to be loved. For some of us, it is scary just to get up and face a world that hasn’t always been so kind. Get up and do it anyway.

Always remember that “Courage is fear that has said its prayers” and that sometimes you just have to “step out on faith” and do that which scares you.

8.  “It’s better to be alone than wish you were alone.” –Ann Richards or my Grandma

I think it was Ann Richards who said something about learning to like yourself because you’re the only one you can be certain to spend the rest of your life with, but maybe it was my grandma who told me this. In any case, don’t settle just so that you can say you have a partner, and don’t stay in a relationship with someone who isn’t good for you just because you’re afraid of life on your own. My students often ask me when I’m going to get married and have children, and this summer one student told me that I would regret never having children “when I got older.” (Clearly, she doesn’t know how old I *really* am.)

Not all of us are destined to be mothers, and women like me should not have to apologize or defend our decision to remain childless. My students are sort of my children, my dogs are like children, and I have thoroughly enjoyed being an aunt even when it means they choose to live with me as adults. (I often say what a cruel joke it is that I’ve ended up with a 19-year-old male living in my house.) Anyway, it’s ok to be alone, and being alone isn’t the same as being lonely. Being lonely is mostly a choice because there are lots of things you can do to stay active in your neighborhood or your community.

As the Buddha said, “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” So, be good to yourself even if it means being by yourself for a while because the “best way to be happy with someone is to learn to be happy alone.” Then, when you find someone, you will be with that person as a matter of choice, and not as a matter of need.

9.  “Look at situations from all angles, and you will become more open.” –Dalai Lama

The one great thing about the United States of America is that people get to make decisions that make sense for them, and one reason there is so much discord between folks in this country is because people assume they know how—or what—other people are thinking or feeling. You cannot know what others are feeling no matter how much information on their life you think you have. Even if you don’t like the choices someone is making, leave that person alone to make choices that make sense to him/her—so long as those choices aren’t hurting someone else. Find empathy and compassion when you can’t—or are unwilling—to understand why the people in your life are doing something with which you do not agree.

Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet or everything the media tells you. Read and study from different sources. Talk to people who are different from you, and really listen to what they have to say even if you do not agree with them. And, don’t judge. As an old Cherokee proverb commands, “Don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.” I can’t say this enough: “LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE TO CREATE THE LIVES THAT MAKE SENSE TO THEM.” Just because you’re against something—abortion, gay marriage, cremation, just to name a few—doesn’t mean that others can’t do something else.

10.  “If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one.” –Mother Teresa

I must confess that I used to be very annoyed when I would see vendors selling The Contributor, a newspaper sold by homeless and formerly homeless men and women on the streets of Nashville. However, Clint changed this for me. I first encountered Clint, a 50-something black man, on Christmas Eve when I was leaving the Green Hills mall. He stood at a street light and waved at cars that passed, and I stopped to give him a $20 bill and to wish him a Merry Christmas. I see him every week when I go to Trader Joe’s, and I buy his paper for $5 (it sells for $2), and if I only read one article in it, it’s the profile of a current Contributor vendor.

Every week when I pull up in my blue Honda Element to buy a paper from Clint, his grin gets real big as he very cheerfully says, “Good morning, my friend! So glad to see you again!” He seems as genuinely happy to see me as I am to see him, and as I hand him my money, I always wonder how much my small gift really helps him and his wife.

I’m sure that Clint doesn’t know this, but these brief, two-minute encounters have taught me to be so much more compassionate about him and others who find themselves selling this paper. Like many others, I want to judge him for not “getting a real job” and for “begging” on the streets, and then I remember that Jesus tells us to help the poor, not judge them. I want to know how he ended up selling a homeless newspaper in front of a Starbucks in Green Hills. I want to know who he wanted to be when he was a kid. I want to know him as a person because, like many people, I have forgotten that the homeless are people, too. I really want him to know my name so that maybe, when he calls me “his friend,” he’ll really feel like we are on the way to knowing each other, to being friends.

Although I can’t save every homeless person out there, I can tell my friends in Nashville to support a vendor to help him or her get off the streets with this micro business. We must stop summarily castigating the poor as lazy and shiftless, and we can all afford the price of compassion.


Is Cutting Ties with the “Dukes of Hazzard” and the Confederate Flag Just, “Pulling the Knife Out”?

Dear Dwonna:

Can I make a suggestion for a possible Dwonna Knows?? What about these outer moves around the battle flag? Taking “Dukes of Hazzard” off the air, the bust of Nathan Bedford Forrest in the state capital, and now Memphis voting to remove his remains. Are these justified actions or just knee-jerk? I’m not black, so I don’t know. LOL!




Dear Matthew:

A tiny bit of background for those who have been asleep for the last 30 days:

On Friday, July 10—some three weeks after nine African Americans were murdered by self-proclaimed white supremacist Dylan Roof during a prayer service at Emanuel A.M.E. Church in downtown Charleston, South Carolina governor Nikki Haley signed a bill that immediately removed the Confederate flag from the state Capitol. It would then be moved to the state’s Confederate Relic Room “to be put in a new multimillion-dollar display.” This Confederate flag—which was placed on state capitol grounds 54 years ago to protest the modern Civil Rights Movement—has been used as a symbol of white supremacy, slavery, and Jim Crow segregation. Dylan Roof—the murderer of those nine black churchgoers—wrapped himself in this symbol of hatred and hoped his deed would start a race war. In some ways, it has, as some white southerners cling to this flag and blame black people for “being divisive.”

Still, there are those who still argue that the Confederate flag is about “heritage and not hate” even as they are presented with evidence to the contrary. As one white woman wrote on Facebook, “It’s the Rebel flag!!!!!! People are killing me. It’s not the damn confederate flag!!!! BTW mine should be here today or tomorrow.” These white folks continue to ignore the South’s heritage of slavery, Black Codes, Jim Crow segregation, lynchings, the Ku Klux Klan, the White Citizens Council, George Wallace, Bull Connor, and random acts of violence toward black men, women, and children. Why do these people refuse to acknowledge that the heritage about which they are so proud mostly centers around the enslavement, abuse, and terror of an entire group of people?

Dylan Roof—and other white supremacists—used the Confederate flag as a symbol of their hate because IT IS A SYMBOL OF HATE. Ask the KKK why they waved the Confederate flag at its rally in Columbia, South Carolina. Ask the folks in Oklahoma why they waved the Confederate flag as President Obama’s motorcade drove by. Ask the 28-year-old white man who said in a radio interview that the Confederate flag represents white heritage and his desire to protect his white supremacy and that he didn’t care who it offended. Though I’m certain there are a few Confederate flag lovers who are not avowed racists and who truly believe that this battle flag represents a sanitized version of southern pride to which they so tightly cling, it does not change the fact that the Confederate flag is also a symbol of treason, a symbol of slavery, a symbol of Jim Crow, and very proud symbol embraced by the KKK, white supremacists, and Neo-Nazi groups.

In a late-night speech to the South Carolina State House, Rep. Jenny Anderson Horne, a republican member of the Charleston delegation and a descendent of Jefferson Davis said, “I cannot believe that we do not have the heart in this body to do something meaningful such as take a symbol of hate off these grounds on Friday.” At times shouting and also fighting back tears, Horne spoke about the “heritage” that so many South Carolinians say the flag represents: “I have a heritage,” she said. “I am a life-long South Carolinian. I am a descendant of Jefferson Davis. Okay? But that does not matter. It’s not about Jenny Horne. It’s about the people of South Carolina who have demanded that this symbol of hate come off the Statehouse grounds.”

The State of South Carolina did remove that flag, and though many people argue that its removal is symbolic and does very little to change the long-standing race problem we have in this country, it could be a watershed moment. For the first time in a long time, white people of conscience are standing up to other white people and demanding that symbols of hate be removed from public display. Unfortunately, at the same time, white racists—and their apologists—feel more emboldened to say what used to be inappropriate to say in public. There is no shortage of nasty and vitriolic comments being directed at people of color, all because those of us of conscience have requested that a symbol of hate be removed from public display.

So, is it a knee-jerk reaction that TV Land has removed the “Dukes of Hazard” from its lineup? Is Memphis’s desire to dig up Nathan Bedford Forrest’s (and his wife’s) remains from Heath Sciences Park in downtown Memphis as well as remove his statue an exercise in futility since it probably won’t change how blacks and whites interact with each other? Maybe these are knee-jerk reactions, but it’s long past time for these Confederate symbols to be moved to where they have always belonged: in a history museum. Though the “Dukes of Hazard” might seem like an innocuous 1980s sitcom about rural white southerners, its proud display of the Confederate flag and other Confederate symbols normalizes its place in American society and gives tacit approval to its hateful meaning.

No, the Confederate battle flag in and of itself won’t “harm” anyone, as someone posted in response to my last column, but symbols do have very powerful meanings, and they do send intended and unintended messages to those who encounter them. As my father used to tell me when I wanted to hang out with the “bad” kids in the neighborhood, “You’re known by the company you keep.” Just ask the KKK or any white supremacist what the Confederate flag means to them and how they have draped themselves in that meaning to try to change how people of color are treated in American society. Symbols convey powerful messages without a single word ever being spoken.

Malcolm X once said, “If you stick a knife nine inches into my back and pull it out three inches, that is not progress. Even if you pull it all the way out, that is not progress. Progress is healing the wound, and America hasn’t even begun to pull the knife out.” By taking steps to remove these symbols of the Confederacy from public display, America is, in a small but significant way, beginning to “pull the knife out.” Is this progress? A little. It’s also a good first step toward healing the wounds that continue to divide black and white America.

We do not live in that post-racial society into which many had hoped President Barack Obama’s election would usher America. America is still a racist society where tangible progress has been made, but we have a long way to go to becoming a place where all people will be judged “not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” If nothing else, these oftentimes difficult discussions about the “Dukes of Hazard” and the Confederate battle flag are showing the world just how stubborn (i.e., ignorant) some white folks can be while also showing us how willing others are to embrace a more inclusive—and a more kind—society where symbols of hate are removed from public display.


Rachel Dolezal and Her “Lie” of Blackness

Dear Dwonna:

What do you think about what that white woman in eastern Washington who was pretending to be black?




Dear Gabriel:

For those who are unfamiliar with the story, here’s a brief synopsis:

Rachel Dolezal, a 37-year-old president of the Spokane chapter of the NAACP, a Howard University graduate, and a part-time professor of African American Studies at Eastern Washington University, has claimed for years that she is an African American. Last week, a white couple from Montana came forward to say that Dolezal is their daughter and that she is actually white. “There seems to be some questions of how Rachel is representing her identity and ethnicity,” her father Lawrence Dolezal said. “We are definitely her birth parents. We are both Caucasian and European descent—Czech, German and a few other things.”

According to Mr. Dolezal, while she was a student at Belhaven University in Jackson, Mississippi, Rachel became involved in Voice of Calvary, a “racial reconciliation community development project where blacks and whites lived together.” “You speak and sound and act and take on the mannerisms of the culture you live in,” Mr. Dolezal said. When she applied to Howard University to study art with “a portfolio of exclusively African American portraiture,” the university “took her for a black woman” and “gave her a full scholarship.”

“And ever since then,” Mr. Dolezal said, “she’s been involved in social justice advocacy for African Americans. She’s assimilated into that culture so strongly that that’s where she transferred her identity.” “But unfortunately,” he continued, “she is not ethnically by birth African American. She is our daughter by birth. And that’s the way it is.”

Here’s a link to the story if you want more information:

So, what do I think about Rachel Dolezal pretending to be black? I confess that I have mixed feelings about this. If race is socially constructed, as most anthropologists argue, then what’s wrong with her constructing a “black” identity into her 20s and 30s? What does it even mean to be black? Must we stay assigned to a racial group—until the day we die—because of whom our parents (say they) are, or is it ok to self-identify with a group you more closely align with when you become an adult?

Some of my Facebook friends have suggested, as Rachel Dolezal’s adopted brother has, that her pretending to be black is racist and akin to blackface. “Back in the early 1900s, what she did would be considered highly racist,” Ezra Dolezal said. “You really should not do that. It’s completely opposite—she’s basically creating more racism.” To these folks who believe this, STOP. NOW. Those who performed in blackface were doing it to belittle, to degrade, and to objectify the black community about which they were making fun. Rachel Dolezal was not doing that; from what I have read, she was pretending to be black so that she could be a better ally to the African American community. The black community needs more allies, even those who are not *really* black.

Many people also seem fixated on what they see as Rachel Dolezal’s lie about her blackness. One FB friend wrote, “She’s a liar; what’s to be on the fence about?” while another wrote, “Having a personal style is one thing; lying about it is another.” Yes, I guess technically she lied about being an African American woman (though she did put on her application that she was white, black, and Native American), if being African American is only about how much melanin one has in her skin. The United States has had a tumultuous—but most often an arbitrary, ridiculous, and absurd—relationship with race and what it means to be black, and at one point, all one had to be was 1/32nd black to be considered black.

Is anyone certain that Rachel Dolezal isn’t at least 1/32nd black? And, does it really matter that she gave up her “whiteness” to “pass” as an African American woman if she did this in order to help the black community? As my friend Andrew wrote, “Aren’t we and don’t we become what we identify with and relate to? I don’t think she is hurting anyone. She has probably developed the ‘background’ to make her more effective in her role. She most likely gets less resistance when relating to black society by molding herself to become part of what she fights for. The bottom line should be does she do a good job?” Yes, Andrew, that is what should matter most, not the race and ethnicity of her birth parents.

I do agree with my friend Randy who believes that the one mistake Rachel Dolezal made was in not better explaining her decision to pass for black. Do we know if she has struggled with her racial identity, much like Caitlyn Jenner said she struggled with her gender identity? Why is it such a stretch to believe, that, just like Caitlyn Jenner said she always felt like she was a woman trapped in a man’s body, that maybe Rachel Dolezal has felt like a black woman trapped in a white woman’s body? Who has she really harmed by passing as an African American woman? I’ve been black for more than four decades, and although I can’t speak for every black person in America, I can assure you that Rachel Dolezal has not harmed me or any other black person by reverse passing. Moreover, I’m still waiting for my white friends who have claimed that she has harmed the black community to explain to me the damage she has caused.

Some people have said that Rachel Dolezal gained an unfair advantage by pretending to be black, and I have to admit that this is one of the first times I’ve heard that being black is, in general, an advantage to being white. Did Rachel Dolezal get her job as president of the Spokane NAACP only because she said she was black? I doubt it, since the NAACP has always been a multi-racial organization that was founded in 1909 but a coalition of prominent black and white civil rights leaders, including W.E.B. DuBois, Ida B. Wells-Barnett, and Mary White Ovington. Did Rachel Dolezal get her part-time teaching position in African American Studies at Eastern Washington University because she said she was black? I doubt that, too, since African American Studies has been open to white and non-whites for years. (In fact, my school—Austin Peay State University—recently hired a white woman to teach African American history and a Japanese man to teach African American Studies.)

If we simply look past her skin color, Rachel Dolezal is probably “more black” than I am. I was born and raised in Moline, Illinois, and it is the home of the John Deere Tractor, which should tell you how white the community is. At Butterworth Elementary, I was often one of two black students in my class, and at Wilson Middle School and Moline Senior High School, it was not uncommon for me to be the only African American student in my class. When I went to the University of Iowa, there were more professors who had volunteered to mentor the incoming black students—300—than there were actual black undergraduates enrolled. I now live in a mostly-white neighborhood in Nashville, Tennessee; I go to a predominately white Catholic Church; I hate watermelon, Kool-Aid, and fried chicken; I’ve been told I sound like a white woman; I can’t sing or dance; and almost all of my friends are white (well, gay white men to be exact). I love sushi, Air Supply, Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond, Judge Judy, “Matlock,” “Murder, She Wrote,” and “The Golden Girls.” Even my white friends like Greg Thompson think I should have my black card permanently revoked. (Maybe Rachel Dolezal has the black card that so many of my friends have revoked from me?!?!)

Though my skin color is part of who I am, it is not the sum total of who I am. The same is true for Rachel Dolezal. Who is and who isn’t black and how we define blackness is more complicated in 2015, and though some have accused her of appropriating black culture, she’s certainly not exploiting black culture in the same way lots of other white folks have. By passing as an African American, Rachel Dolezal has gained entry into a life many white folks would never, ever choose for themselves. She seems to have used the privilege of being able to pass for black—certainly no one who looks like me could ever pass for white—to try to do some good.

My point is that blackness just isn’t about how much melanin one has in her skin, and we need to get beyond the “well, she lied” part about Rachel Dolezal. I think that it’s admirable that she was willing to shed her “white privilege” in order to fully immerse herself in the black community in order to be an advocate for change. Having “lived” as a black woman for years, I can only imagine that Ms. Dolezal has experienced what many of us have. While she may not have been “born” a black woman, my guess is that by saying and creating a persona as one, she has come to “experience” life as a black woman and she knows what it’s like to be profiled, to be judged, to be stereotyped, and to not be given the benefit of the doubt.

I think that what most confuses some white people who read this story is why any white person would choose pass for black. Some have suggested that Rachel Dolezal did this for power, but I’m still not sure what “power” she gained. There is no indication that she shed her “black” skin and went back to being white when it was convenient; she seemed to “live” the life as a black woman for more than a decade until her parents outted her. I’m sure this concept of reverse passing seems so foreign to a lot of white people because they can’t imagine giving up all the benefits of being white (and please, white people, don’t act like you’re not aware of the benefits and the privileges of your whiteness). The fact remains that whiteness and white privilege have been violently protected in this country, but too many white folks have spent too much time calling her a liar and questioning her “true” motives while racism lives on in this country.

Rachel Dolezal has said that she “considers myself to be black” and that she “feels black,” and that should be the beginning of a discussion about what it means to be black and what it means for a white woman to spend years of her life passing as a black woman. I think most black folks don’t care that much that this white woman has been passing for black since she’s has used her newly racial identity to help the black communities in which she has lived.

While the nation continues to be distracted by this non-story of a white woman passing for a black woman, black men and women still face a very real and present danger every time they encounter a police officer of any hue. Too many black folks live in neighborhoods where black-on-black crime is rampant and criminals are unapologetic. African American children are often forced to attend low-performing schools with teachers who are mostly there to earn a paycheck, and too many black children are born into unstable homes without a married mother and father.

Can we please focus our attention on the racism and prejudice that ails black America and this country in general and not on this white woman who sometimes wore dreadlocks and put on too much self tanner so that she could misrepresent—i.e., lie about—her race? As Paul Mooney said, “America is racial. America was founded on race. Race is America. The code name for America is ‘race.’” Let’s stop castigating this white-black woman in eastern Washington, and let’s start spending our time figuring out how to help black children—well, all children—create lives that are meaningful and in service to others.


P.S. I failed the “Are you Blacker Than a Rachel Dolezal” quiz. 😦

Here’s a link so that you can see how black you are:

Do you have any New Year’s resolutions you wish to share with us?

Dear Dwonna:

Here’s what I posted on my Facebook wall:

“I really hate how people talk trash about other people trying their new year resolutions. More people might stick to their resolutions if they didn’t feel like everyone is already expecting them to fail. So, why doesn’t everyone stop complaining about how crowded their gym is and use that energy to inspire or say something nice to someone who may be a little out of their element while trying to better themselves.”

What are your thoughts about my Facebook rant? Do you have any New Year’s resolutions that you wish to share with us?




Dear Jen:

I have to confess that I don’t usually make any resolutions on January 1, mostly because I’ve always been in education—either as a student or as a professor—so for me, my new year always begins in August. New Year’s day has never been a time for me to sit down and evaluate (or re-evaluate) how my life is going and to pontificate what changes I want/need to make, so I don’t really understand this yearly winter ritual when people take stock of the person they are and the person they want to be.

I will also confess that I am one of those people who hates going to the gym in early January because the crowds of “I’m going to lose weight this year, so I better get to the gym for the first two weeks in January before I go back to being who I’ve always been” just get in my way and mess up the routine I’ve had in place all year. You’re right, Jen, that people like me should probably be more encouraging of those who are trying to make positive changes in their lives, but it’s hard for me to do this when these people post all their crap on Facebook and then fall off the radar five to seven days later (if they even last that long). Why can’t people just make their life changes without chronicling the first few days of their new “lifestyle”? Just get up every morning and do whatever it is you say you’re going to do. As Nike says, “Just do it!”


For those who say that losing weight and getting healthy are two of their New Year’s resolutions, just remember that it’s your food intake that you must first control. Exercise is nice and it’s a good way to increase your metabolism, but it won’t burn off the bad stuff you eat during the day. (For example, a four-mile jog will only burn about 450 calories, and this won’t negate the cheeseburger and fries you eat for lunch.) If you’re worried that you don’t have time for or cannot commit to going to the gym three or four days/week, take a 45-minute walk every day. You’ll only need a good pair of walking shoes and the motivation to go. When you can commit to walking every day—even in bad weather—for a month, you’ll know that you’re ready for a gym membership.

Do go for a 30-minute walk every night after your last evening meal, and do not eat dinner after 6 p.m. But, most of all, ditch the sodas—diet and regular—eat more fruits and vegetables, eat breakfast every morning, cook more at home, and drink 64 ounces of water EVERY single day. You cannot undo bad habits overnight, so don’t beat yourself up if you slip back into your old ways. As Yoda says, “You must unlearn what you have learned.” Get back to doing what you say it is you want to do and don’t spend any time worrying about how you got off track.

So what New Year’s resolutions would I make for myself if I made New Year’s resolutions? I’d like to be more open to hearing the different opinions of people with whom I may disagree, but I have to admit that it’s hard for me to listen to folks who are uninformed and are blissful in their ignorance. I’d like to write more so that by the end of 2015, I will be the “Black Dear Abby.” I’d like to be more patient, I’d like to be more forgiving (of myself and of others), I’d like to be less judgmental, and I am hoping and praying that my friend Kim Chance (from all the way back to Woodrow Wilson Junior High School in Moline, Illinois, home of the John Deere Tractor) KEEPS KICKING CANCER’S ASS! I’d like at least one of my gay friends to get married and invite me to be their flower girl at their wedding. (Have blonde Afro wig; will travel!) I’d also like to lose these last three pounds, but maybe 2015 will be the year that I finally embrace the fact that I look pretty damn good for a 30-year old woman who graduated from high school in 1986. 🙂

I’d like for there to be peace in the Middle East and in other parts of the world and between Republicans and Democrats in this country, but since that doesn’t seem possible right now, I’d like for people on both sides of the political spectrum to be nicer to each other. Speaking of politics, I’d like for politicians to remember that their first job is to serve the people who bothered to get out and vote, and I’d also like for more people to actually get out and vote. Yes, it’s true that sometimes it seems like we’re choosing between the lesser of two evils and that oftentimes people vote against their best interests, but it’s not fair that a small group of voters are the ones who are deciding who will represent the ideas and wishes of the larger population. Furthermore, if you don’t bother to vote—especially in the primary elections—you shouldn’t bother complaining when your “elected” officials pander to the will of the lobbyists and not to the will of the people.

I’d like for those who say that they’re Christians to behave in a more Christ-like manner—to take care of the sick, the poor, the elderly, and all those who truly cannot take care of themselves—and for conservative Christians to stop using the Bible to explain why they are so nasty and mean to the people they say aren’t following Jesus’s ways. Leave the gays alone already. They aren’t the reason for your second (or third) divorce, nor are they the reason your baby’s father left you. I’d also like for conservative Christians to stop sending me racist Obama memes. Speaking of President Obama, I’d like for white people to stop blaming the POTUS for the situation they’re in. If you’re not doing well in life, don’t just blame the black dude in the White House; blame yourself and your poor choices and start making better choices. I’d like to stop yelling at my students, but if I stopped yelling at them, they wouldn’t know how much I loved them. 😉

I’d also like for the Fox “News” pundits to stop making white people so afraid of black people, and I’d like black people to stop thinking that every white person (and the police) has utter disdain for them. I’d like for Americans to remember that undocumented immigrants are people, too, and that most of them came to this country simply because they desire what most of us want: a better life for themselves, their children, and their extended families. I’d like for people to own fewer guns, and I’d like for those who own guns to own them responsibly. I’d like for people to turn off their televisions (and their video games) and to READ. MORE. BOOKS. Can we please, please, please stop making people like the Kardashians, the Jersey Shore clan, the Real Housewives of Atlanta or New Jersey or wherever, Wendy Williams, and all these other reality stars famous?!?! I’d like for all the dogs and cats in shelters (I didn’t forget the cats, Marcia Till) to find good and happy “furever” homes. I’d really like to know the truth about Bill Cosby; I mean, did a black dude really drug and rape all those white women in the 1960s and 1970s? Of course there’s much more that I would like for 2015, but I guess I’ll stop here…for now.

Jen, when I first read your Facebook post, I must admit that my immediate thought was to tell you to stop whining and to start doing and to not worry about the naysayers because only you have control over whether or not you’ll be successful at achieving your New Year’s goals. (I’m sure you can imagine me rolling my eyes at you and Jaya Martin if we were discussing this in my office, but I digress.) Anyway, I was wrong. Not to sound like some hippie from the 1960s, but we need to keep more love in our hearts, and we need to be more loving toward each other. Just as important, we need to be a little (a lot?) kinder and a little more encouraging than we have to be because, as Plato said, “…everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”

Henry James once wrote, “Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” Mother Theresa said, “Spread love wherever you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.” How much better would this country be if each one of us embraced these two dictums as we ventured into the world every day?


Why We’re Pro-Choice and Voting Against Amendment 1

Dear Dwonna:

What are your views on Amendment 1? I’ve read that it is not an anti-abortion bill and that it will ultimately protect women’s health.




Dear Johnquetta:

Thanks for asking.

On November 4, voters in Tennessee will cast their ballots on “Amendment 1,” which states:

“Nothing in this Constitution secures or protects a right to abortion or requires the funding of an abortion. The people retain the right through their elected state representatives and state senators to enact, amend, or repeal statues regarding abortion, including circumstances of pregnancy resulting from rape or incest when necessary to save the life of the mother.”

Contrary to what supporters of “Amendment 1” are telling their followers, the long-term goal of the amendment is to completely outlaw all abortions in the State of Tennessee. Furthermore, while these “pro-life” folks argue that this law will protect women’s health, notice that this amendment makes NO exceptions for a “pregnancy resulting from rape or incest” or to “save the life of the mother.”

Regardless of what your personal beliefs about abortion are, it is not reasonable to expect every woman to continue a pregnancy if she has been the victim of a rape or incest, nor is it reasonable for Tennessee to pass a law that declares that a fetus is more important than the health and the life of a mother. No woman should be forced to place her long-term health and/or her life in jeopardy simply because someone who has never met her has decided that her fetus is more important than her own existence. Let women make these decisions for themselves, please, and if you are against abortion, just don’t have one. It really is that simple.

Deborah Webster-Clair, a retired Ob/GYN, said last week at a press conference at a Planned Parenthood health center in Nashville that “Supporting Amendment 1 will erode a woman’s fundamental right to autonomous decision-making and privacy regarding her own health care.” Yes, a decision on whether or not to continue a pregnancy should be one that a woman makes with her doctor, her husband or boyfriend (if she has one), her conscience, and her god (if she has a belief in one). I’m bored with the “pro-life” crowd who simply want to make decisions for women they do not know and will probably never know. In fact, it’s quite arrogant for them to think that they unilaterally know what’s in the best interest of that woman and her fetus. I can’t help but wonder if this debate about abortion is not so much about “protecting an innocent baby” but instead is about regulating—and controlling—what women do with their bodies.

For those who want people to vote “Yes” for Amendment 1 under the guise of “protecting the innocent babies,” I have several questions: Why is the fetus more valued and more valuable than the woman? Isn’t the woman who carries this fetus valuable, too? Why do so many “pro-life” folks think of women as incubators who must carry a fetus to term just because abortion goes against their beliefs? Can we please stop with these “personhood” laws that give the fetus more precedence than the woman who carries said fetus? Why can’t people leave these women alone so that they can make an informed choice without any interference from governmental bodies?

No politician—and most especially no male politician—should be working to pass any law that restricts a woman’s right AND access to an abortion. As Wendy Davis said last year during a filibuster of a Texas anti-abortion bill, “Lawmakers, either get out of the vagina business, or go to medical school.” As my students can attest, I often have great difficulty managing my own life, and I am in absolutely no position to tell another woman how she should manage hers. A decision about whether or not to have an abortion is a private one, and it must ultimately remain with the women who are faced with an unwanted pregnancy, as only they understand what their long-term physical, emotional, and spiritual needs are. Can the so-called “pro-life” crowd please stop playing OB/GYNs and let women they do not know make whatever decisions are right for them?

I do not presume to know the lives of other women and what is best for them, and I wish others would embrace the fact that most women will make the best choice for their own lives, too. It is a woman’s body, and it should be her choice whether or not to terminate—or continue to full-term—a pregnancy. Unlike the “pro-life” crowd, I trust that women can and will make the choice that is appropriate for her and for her circumstance. To borrow a saying from a 1990s bumper sticker: if you can’t trust her with a choice, how can you trust her with a baby?

Moreover, if these so-called “pro-life” folks really are more than just “pro-birth” (since it seems like they only care about the fetus until a child is born), then they should be working to pass laws that will improve the lives of the children who are already here, too many of whom live in poverty and in dire life circumstances. As former Surgeon General of the United States Joycelyn Elders once said, “We really need to get over this love affair with the fetus and start worrying about children.”

I think George Carlin said it even better:

“Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don’t want to know about you. They don’t want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you’re pre-born, you’re fine; if you’re preschool, you’re fucked.”

Listen. Let’s stop trying to regulate what women do with their bodies, and let’s spend more time in loving service to those who need us. Let’s go out into the world and be a blessing to those who are already here. Vote “No” on Amendment 1, and let each woman decide on her own what’s best for her, her body, and her life.


Here’s what Jaya Martin, one of my favorite Austin Peay students, wrote in response to the proposed amendment:

As both a woman and a Christian, I value that everyone has different beliefs and opinions. However, I also value my right as a woman to choose what happens to my own body. In November, citizens will vote on Amendment One, a bill that could eventually lead to the abolishment of all abortions in Tennessee and will make NO EXCEPTIONS in cases of rape, incest, and the health of the mother. This is the main danger of this amendment passing.

Abortion is not an easy subject, and I have struggled to find the courage to voice these words. However, I believe in my heart of hearts that there are instances when a woman should have a choice instead of being forced by the government to have a child she didn’t ask for nor want. I consider myself a protector of women, especially young girls who are victims of rape or incest and who are not physiologically ready to be mothers.

It is vital to remember that every situation is delicate and different. It is also important to keep in mind that if this bill passes, it will not prevent abortions from happening. It will simply get rid of safe, sterile clinics and put women at a greater health risk.

In November I will be voting NO on Amendment One. I highly encourage anyone who is on the fence to thoroughly research the topic and make an educated decision before they vote. Remember, this isn’t about being “pro-choice” or “pro-life”—it’s about defending our right to make private decisions free from government interference. Even if we all don’t agree on abortion, we can all agree that government has no place in our private medical decisions.

old woman

Should I stay with my boyfriend of seven years?

Dear Dwonna:

I’m a 22-year-old college graduate, and I’m thinking about moving away from my hometown and going to graduate school in another part of the country. I’ve been dating the same guy for seven years, and I’m not sure what to do since he can’t move with me. What do you think I should do?




*Thanks to my pal Cati Montgomery for writing most of this.*

Dear Dina:

First, talk to your boyfriend about what he thinks the future holds for the two of you and whether or not you might want to commit to shifting this to a long-distance relationship. Although long-distance relationships can be very tricky and are oftentimes difficult, today’s technology—the Internet, Skype, and FaceTime, for example—can make them bearable for the times in between visits. Do have a plan for when you will see each other and how—and how often—you will keep in contact while you’re apart. If you do opt for trying the long-distance relationship thing, keep in mind that your interactions will change since you won’t get to see each other daily, but if you put in some extra effort, you just might make it work.

However, since you are moving to a different part of the country, you are bound to meet lots of fun and interesting new people. If you do meet someone in your graduate program who might pique your interest, what will happen to your seven-year relationship? You need to ponder this scenario so that you’re not dishonest with your boyfriend and a future “friend.” Still, don’t cut yourself off from meeting new people while you and your boyfriend are apart. Create and maintain a life that is separate from your boyfriend and then figure out how to merge your two lives when he comes to visit. At the end of the day, you will have to trust your boyfriend and yourself to not stray, and only you know whether you can remain faithful to him and whether he can remain faithful to you.

The second thing to think about is a long-term commitment and/or marriage. If you have already been dating this long and you have not had a serious conversation about your longer-term future together, you may need to pause to reconsider the value of this relationship. Are you holding on to him because he is safe and this relationship is what you have known since you were 15? What common goals and values do you share should you decide to stay together and get married? Does your boyfriend support your educational goals and talk about a future together? You’re only 22, and that’s really young to be getting married to someone you’ve known since you were in 9th or 10th grade. You’re probably too young to make that kind of long-term commitment.

Third, graduate school is a whole different level of commitment—to your work, to the students in your graduate school cohort, and to your professors. It will most likely require a much bigger time investment to study, to produce classwork and papers, and to perform original research. You will be learning about things at a pace you probably did not experience as an undergraduate, and sometimes the coursework and expectations of your professors can be overwhelming.

Graduate school may just be the time that YOU need to discover who you are, exactly, on your own. Your 20s are a time of growth and maturity, and you are just now beginning to evolve into the person you will be in your 30s and beyond. Perhaps you’ll want to take this next two years at grad school just to develop who you are as a person, without depending on the boy you’ve known since you were 15. You may discover some fairly interesting things about yourself.

Good luck!

Cati M