My Friend’s Baby Has Down Syndrome….What Do I Say?

Dear Dwonna:

My friend just had a baby with Down syndrome, and I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t want to tell her I’m sorry because all babies are a blessing, but saying “Congratulations!” seems awkward. Any suggestions?

Signed,

Jewel

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*My former student, Shauna Thompson, has answered this question for me.*

Dear Jewel:

I gave birth to a baby girl with Down syndrome nine and a half months ago, and the range of emotions I dealt with ran high and low.

During my pregnancy, I found out there was a possibility that my daughter might have Down syndrome based on ultrasounds and blood tests, but she wasn’t fully diagnosed until a week after she was born. I didn’t tell many people before and right after she was born because I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. I wanted people to accept her as she is, love her, and be supportive—and most were! There were only a few people who said they were “Sorry.” Flinching at their comments, I took a deep breath and told them that they need not be sorry at all because there was nothing “wrong” with my baby girl. She has an extra chromosome. That’s really it.

When you see your friend, you are correct that saying “I’m sorry” wouldn’t be the best thing to tell her. It creates a negative environment for everyone, and this is what you don’t want to do. When my husband’s grandmother came to the NICU to visit my daughter, she asked us, “Can the doctors fix her?” Don’t ask questions like this either. If anything, you want to be positive by saying congratulations, which is appropriate in my humble opinion. Your friend just carried and gave birth to her baby, so you are really saying congratulations to your friend and her child.

There are other things you can say: “He/she has so much hair!” “Look at those eyelashes!” “Oh, those pouty lips!” “Precious! Look how he/she sleeps!” You know, the positive statements that deflect anything negative. Do not mention anything that defines her baby as a disability, such as “It will be hard on you.” Or, “Don’t expect him/her to be animated for the first six months.” Yes, I was told these by nurses, of all people.

Also, don’t say negative things about the baby’s appearance: “Why is there a tube up his/her nose?” “Will his/her eyes slant up like that all his/her life?” or “Why can’t she take a bottle yet?” Please … just be positive.

Feel free to not say anything and just smile and/or give your friend a hug. This might be the best thing to do if your friend is not happy with the chromosome results. Let her know you are there for her. Sometimes with the diagnosis of Down syndrome, there are other medical problems that parents have to deal with— heart defects, intestinal defects, and cleft lip, among other issues. This is probably the area where most people feel the need to say that they are sorry, but there is no need to say you’re sorry simply because your friend had a baby with a heart defect. Be supportive and listen to your friend. She will have to accept her baby eventually, and she will.

Ultimately, with any negative or positive statement, you are setting up your relationship with you and your friend’s child. Acknowledge and read about the disability. If the baby has no other defects other than an extra chromosome, like my daughter, a “Congratulations!” is more than sufficient! In fact, that baby will be a major blessing to his/her parents and to you!

Regards,

Shauna

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Help! My husband is deploying!

Dear Dwonna:

I’m a 23-year-old woman married to a soldier, and my husband just left for a 9-month deployment. I stay at home with our two-year-old son, and I’m wondering if you have any tips for how to get through his time away.

Signed,

Missy

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*I asked my former student, Bethany Kavanaugh, to answer this since she is a military spouse.*

Dear Missy:

First, let me say thank you to your husband for his service to our country, and thank you for supporting him on the home front. It’s a difficult situation to be in, and sometimes it can be incredibly overwhelming. 

When your significant other deploys—regardless of how long he’s gone—your immediate reaction is to sit on the couch, wail loudly, eat Ben and Jerry’s, and watch horrible Jennifer Lopez romance movies (speaking from experience here). It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel upset. Don’t feel guilt for having these feelings; your husband—the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life—is now gone for an extended period of time. There’s a void, and it’s okay to be upset about that. 

At some point, however, you’re going to have to put the Ben and Jerry’s down (Milk and Cookies is my favorite flavor) and carry on. I’m not going to feed you some nonsense about the fact that this is your time to learn how to be independent, because when my husband was gone, I still screamed at the top of my lungs when I saw a spider and tried to get someone else to kill it for me. My toddler wouldn’t do it for me, but that’s a different story.  However, these are some methods I have put to use, and I hope that they will help you too.

Here’s my go-to list to make it through my husband’s deployments:

Get into a routine. Find a pattern that works for you and your son, and stick with it. I have three kids, and sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is looking forward to their bedtime every night. I love my children, but I also love the peace and quiet that their bedtime brings. Having a routine will also make it much easier on your son; he is going to recognize that his dad is gone even though probably won’t understand it. Having a routine has always been important to me, and I can’t stress that enough.

Make a friend. I’ve never been one for FRG meetings; in fact, I tend to avoid them. However, I almost always find someone whose husband is also deployed, and we get together and do things to keep ourselves and our kiddos occupied. It’s so much easier to do our husbands’ deployments together! Still, keep in mind that your situations are different. Just because she gets to talk to her husband on a certain day doesn’t mean you will get to talk to yours. Your husbands will probably be doing different tasks, and their schedules may not be the same. Your husband will talk to you when he can. Trust me. Husbands will stand in line and wait HOURS just to get a five-minute phone call with their wives. He wants to hear your voice just as much as you want to hear his.

Get active. Take your son to the park to play. Take him on walks. Exercise is great for both of you, and it will help the time pass more quickly.

Get a hobby. Make sure that you do something for you—knitting, gardening, scrapbooking, or whatever you’re interested in. Just make sure that each day you devote time specifically for yourself. It will keep you sane. I play softball every year, and I have a babysitter who watches my kids so I can have some much needed time away from my little monsters…I mean, darlings.

Plan a vacation. One of the things I love to do is plan a trip for when my husband comes home. Most soldiers get 30 days of leave after redeployment, and our family always takes a trip. Even if it’s a trip back home to see family, we make a point to do it and have a great vacation. I map everything out because I’m a planner, and it keeps me occupied. Plus, planning a post-deployment vacation gives you something to look forward to and to be excited about.

Plan out care packages. My husband has told me that when soldiers get care packages, it’s like Christmas. My husband was in an area where running water and hot meals were few and far between, so he really looked forward to what I had to send. I always stuffed the flat rate boxes completely full of goodies. Some people like to plan out theme packages. I sent him a package every two weeks so that he always had something to look forward to, and I had fun buying everything and putting it all together. You can go online to USPS.com and have them ship a bunch of flat rate boxes straight to your house for free.

Chronicle your son’s growth. During one of his deployments, my husband didn’t have access to computers for Skype, and his phone calls were also rare. But, I know that he missed not being able to watch his kids grow, so I took pictures like a madwoman. I then got prints of them and kept them all in order in a photo album so that when he came home, he could flip through and see how our much our children grew during the year that he was gone.

If you need help, get help. Sometimes military spouses get overwhelmed with the Superwoman sticker that gets slapped on their chest when their spouse leaves. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Don’t think that you have to be perfect. My husband is gone right now, and I have days where I cry. I have days where I mentally kick him for having to leave. I have days where I consider buying a one-way ticket to anywhere but here and wonder if my neighbors will notice if I just leave the dogs and kids at their house and never come back. I have days where I feel so depressed that I can’t even bring myself to get off the couch, and I don’t even have Ben and Jerry’s to comfort me.

However, the most important thing is that while it’s okay to feel this way, it’s also important to get help if these feelings get out of hand. Please find a good therapist if you’re getting too overwhelmed or sad. It could be depression or anxiety, and I would much rather you get help for this than struggle on your own. You do not have to be stronger than you already are. It’s okay to get help.

Military OneSource (www.militaryonesource.mil/) offers free therapy with a referral. Simply call (800)342-9647 for a confidential referral and to receive a list of counselors in your area.

Count down the days. I had a chalkboard on which I wrote the number of days until my husband came home, and the kids and I updated it every morning. My sister-in-law made a HUGE paper chain that went around the entire house, and she let her daughter pull a link off every day. I know people who put marbles in one jar and move the marbles from a full jar (Days to Go) to an empty jar (Days Down). It’s especially helpful if you get your son involved because it makes it easier for him to have something tangible to see. Plus, when you’re down to the last 60 days or so, the days seem to go by much faster than in the beginning!

I hope that the next nine months go smoothly and quickly for you and your son.  Deployments can be sad and lonely, but for how rough they can be, just know that welcome home ceremonies are twice as exciting. When you finally get to wrap your arms around and watch the smile on his face when he gets to hold his son again, you will forget all about the fact that he’s been gone for so long.

Good luck, and know that I’m rooting for you!

 

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Advice for Graduates That I Wish I Had Received

Dear Dwonna:

Last week I graduated from high school, and I was wondering what advice you have for the class of 2014.

Sincerely,

Ann B.

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Dear Ann B:

My nephew graduated from high school two weeks ago, too, and I now have a new appreciation for parents who worry about their kids. I worry about what my nephew will do now that he is a “free” man because the world can be very unforgiving for those who don’t lay the groundwork for planning their future now.

I don’t remember feeling any such angst for myself when I graduated from high school 28 years ago. (Wow! Has it really been 28 years since the Moline High School Class of 1986 received our diplomas at Wharton Field House on 23rd Avenue?) In fact, I remember feeling excitement. I was excited that I was finally getting away from what I believed were controlling, overbearing, and plain ole’ mean parents to embark on my next adventure at the University of Iowa. I had a plan to study medicine or law—I had grown up watching “St. Elsewhere” and “L.A. Law”—and I was ready for the challenges that awaited me.

But, the world has changed a lot since 1986. There was no Facebook, no Snapchat, no Twitter, no Instagram, and so there was very little worry about competing with “friends” from high school. Though many of us promised to keep in touch after the all-night graduation party at the newly-remodeled YMCA, we did not. Thus, we did not know what each other was doing, and I was able to just “do my thing” that summer and at the University of Iowa without worrying and wondering what my friends from high school were doing and wondering if I was doing as much as they were. There was no need to try to “keep up with the Joneses” since I didn’t even know where they were.

For my graduation present, my parents gave me a set of navy blue American Tourister luggage, and they told me that whatever fit into it I could take with me to my dorm that August. I took classes that I thought were interesting, and after realizing that I wasn’t very good at chemistry, I decided that being a doctor wasn’t in my future. I loved reading and writing and arguing with people, so I majored in American Studies and minored in African American Studies because the professors in those disciplines taught me how to think—and not what to think—and how to make connections between the events of the past and of the present. Graduating from college was a no-brainer because my parents had drilled into my head that I would finish my undergraduate degree in four years, and I did.

However, my impending graduation from the University of Iowa caused me some angst since I didn’t really know what I would do with a bachelor’s degree in American Studies, so I decided I would do something practical and go into teaching. My mother had been a teacher and it seemed like a stable career that I might enjoy, so I applied to MAT programs so that I could get certified to teach. I received a full scholarship to Brown University in Providence, Rhode Island, and after completing the master’s program, I began my teaching career in Fairfax County, Virginia, where I taught 9th-and 10th-grade English and also coached 9th-grade girls basketball and boys’ and girls’ track for three years. I left teaching and then spent the next seven years at the University of Texas where I finished my PhD in American Studies; I have been an English professor at Austin Peay since my graduation in 2001.

I write all of this to say that although it probably seemed like I had a plan for my life after high school, I don’t think I really did. Well, I didn’t. I was kind of a naïve 18-year-old black girl who didn’t yet realize that she didn’t have the requisite skills to be a doctor (well, at least not an M.D.), but I did have a goal for finishing college in four years. The University of Iowa was a great place to grow up, and I met wonderful people like my friend Brian who helped me stay relatively sane my first year of college by listening to me blabber on about the same boring stuff. I also had wonderful professors like Dr. Robert Weems and Dr. Mae Henderson who helped me select a major that was right for me. Seek out those people who will be honest with you to help you discover who are and what you might do with your life. Brutal honesty with the goal of helping be your best self beats a “yes” person who enables you to do little with your life.

If you don’t think you’re ready for college, get a job. I worked at Hardee’s for two years while I was in college, and nothing shored up my resolve to do well in college than working as a cashier at a fast-food restaurant. If a decent and/or well-paying job isn’t in your cards, join the military. You can see the world and get real-life skills that you can apply towards a college degree later. As Malcolm X once said, “Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today.”

Don’t get pregnant until you’re much older (and married), and don’t get anyone pregnant until you can adequately support a family. Don’t expect the government or your family to help you while you get it together; food stamps, Medicaid, and Section 8 housing vouchers are for people who really need them. Learn how to take care of yourself while you still can. Don’t get in trouble with the law, and pay your bills on time. You’ll be glad you have a good credit score when you’re ready to buy a car or a house.

One of the most important things to remember is to always have a plan for what you want to be doing when you’re in your 30s and 40s and beyond (even though those years seem so far away). Start saving for your retirement, even if it’s just a little bit each month. So much of what you do now will set the table for what happens to you 20 years from now. You will find that the years seem to go by much more quickly than they did when you were a teenager.

Remember to share what you have learned with those around you. Be a role model. Be compassionate to the homeless and the downtrodden. Be an inspiration. Be kind. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. As Maya Angelou said, “It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.”

Do not measure your success by how big your house is or how expensive your car is. Instead, treasure your relationships, but don’t let your friends talk you into doing something stupid that could have lifetime consequences. If you must get a tattoo, get ones that you can easily cover. Without stating the obvious, neck and hand tattoos will limit your future job prospects because people will question your judgment. Yes, folks will judge you even if you really are a nice person who just so happens to have a tattoo on your forehead.

Do not think of your graduation as the end of your learning. Ask questions of yourself and to other people. As one Chinese proverbs says, “He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.” Keep learning. Keep thinking. Keep trying.

Travel to other parts of the country. Travel abroad. Always challenge yourself, and do something every day that scares you. As First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each expression in which we really stop to look fear in the face…we must do that which we think we cannot.”

Find a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.

Take good care of your body. Eat fresh fruits and vegetables everyday. Exercise for at least 30 minutes every day, and drink 64 ounces of water each day. Your body will thank you when you’re older.

Learn how to be alone without feeling lonely. If you don’t like your own company, how can you expect people to like you?

Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace. A good yoga studio can be a wonderful sanctuary for when the world gets to be too much.

Don’t be a passive observer of your world. If you don’t like something, work to change it. Remember to take care of those who are unable to take care of themselves, and always defend the defenseless. Fight injustice wherever you see it. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Rescue a dog (or three, like I did) from an animal shelter, and you’ll always wonder which one rescued whom.

Stay off Facebook and other social media. If you cannot disconnect from these sites, be smart enough not to post pictures of yourself drinking and smoking and partying and dressing like a skank. You are leaving a digital footprint, and you must be careful. Do not use Facebook to judge yourself with your classmates but instead use it as an inspiration to being your best self. Use it to stay in touch with those people you do like.

You will get over the bad experiences, the mistakes you make, and the bad choices you sometimes engage in, so don’t spend a lot of time beating yourself up over them. (Thanks for reminding me of this, Shauna!) Learn something, and move on. As Maya Angelou said, “You did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.” Over time, these bad experiences will be like scars: you will still see them but you will accept them as part of your life.

Breakups can really suck, too, but you will survive them, and you will eventually look back on your past loves as part of your life experience, too. “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the universe, deserve your love and affection.”—Buddha. Remember this when you’re feeling down.

Finally, as Mark Twain said to his wife after telling her that he had declared bankruptcy, “Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.” Seriously, though, the world can be a scary place, but it will be less scary if you prepare for it by learning a trade or going to college and not doing stupid things that cannot be undone.

“Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”—Mark Twain. Let Twain’s quote always be your guiding principle.

Baby in a Wedding Train

Dear Dwonna:

What do you think about the bride in Jackson, Tennessee, who strapped her one-month old baby to the train on her wedding gown and dragged her down the isle?

Signed,

Phil

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Dear Phil:

Here’s my short answer—it was both dumb and tacky and ridiculous.

The mother, Shona Carter-Brooks, told naysayers on her Facebook page that she and her husband Jonathan “do what we want, when we want, as long as Jesus on our side everything worked out fine and gona [sic] continue to be fine.” She added that the “infant was awake and well secured on my train.” To bring Jesus into a conversation when she already has at least one child out of wedlock (she also has another daughter) is kind of silly, and to suggest that she can do whatever she wants with her baby is even sillier. Is Carter-Brooks suggesting that she can beat and starve and sexually abuse said child because she has “Jesus on her side”?

Her wedding coordinator even went so far as to suggest that Carter-Brooks’ decision to drag her daughter in her train has “significant” historical value. “It indicates the dedication of her mother (and father) toward caring for her child and family…. A GOOD mother takes her child wherever she goes, even down the aisle,” wrote Kaye Jordan. Listen, a GOOD mother does not strap her daughter in her wedding gown’s train and then drag her down the aisle, and I agree with other commentators who have suggested that someone should call Child Protective Services.

Many conservative pundits have pointed out that we have gone from a society that used to shame women who had children out of wedlock to one that celebrates pregnant women in white wedding dresses and embraces including these children in weddings. I’m glad that we no longer shame women who have children outside of marriage, but more women need to take greater care in protecting their children from harm, and this includes not dragging them down the aisle in their wedding gown. A GOOD mother should protect her children from harm, and when she does something stupid like Cater-Brooks did, she should spend less time defending her dumb stunt and more time figuring out how to not do dumb things again.

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How do I help my friend come out?

Dear Dwonna:

I found out my friend is a lesbian, but she doesn’t think I know. How do I approach her with the situation without it being uncomfortable?

Sincerely,

Terry

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Dear Terry:

Blake here, and it’s so great to be back!

This is a pretty common question, but a great one, regardless.

Quite simply, you don’t approach her about it. The only time I would recommend approaching someone about their sexuality is if it seems like they’re hurting because they’re hiding.

Because I do not know the full story regarding your friend and how she feels about her identity, I can only say that you should give up your “need” to know for sure. When she is good and ready, she’ll tell you. Coming out is a journey, and if she truly feels you are her friend, she will tell you in her own time and in her own way. Forcing the subject may even put strain on your friendship. Until then, be supportive, be a good listener, and be open to dialogue. Once she opens up, your friendship will open up as well.

Best regards,

ImageBlake Haney

Charlie Strong and University of Texas Football

Dear Dwonna:

As a graduate of the University of Texas and the author of Integrating the Forty Acres: The 50-Year Struggle for Racial Equality at the University of Texas (University of Georgia Press 2006), were you surprised that UT hired Charlie Strong as its next football coach?

Signed,

John

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Dear John:

Before I answer your question, I must first apologize to Ed Robertson, one of my former students at UT. After Ed posted on his Facebook page that University of Louisville’s Charlie Strong was rumored to be the next football coach at the University of Texas at Austin, I quickly responded with, “UT will never hire a black dude to coach its football team.”

Ed then wrote that Bucky Godbolt—an African American sports personality at ESPN 104.9 in Austin, Texas—said the very same thing on his radio program. “Listen to Bucky and me,” I wrote back to Ed. “UT lives in the past, and their boosters don’t want a black dude leading their precious boys.”

“I love my University, good, bad, all of it. Love can conquer anything, including the ‘old ways,’” Ed responded.

I told Ed that I was still shocked that Texas A&M—a school with a peculiar racial history as well—had hired African American Kevin Sumlin to coach their football team, but I have always believed that A&M has (sort of) addressed their odd racial past. “UT has not, and, in fact, doesn’t even think it has a racial problem,” I said.

Ed did concede my point—“bleach, bombs, eggs on MLK statue, crazy stuff people don’t know about still goes on, but change….”

Jenny, another former UT student of mine, chimed in on Ed’s Facebook post: “UT needs to hire a black coach if they want to connect culturally. Eventually the old money donating alumni will die and the younger folks like me that embrace cultural diversity will have a say and it will be said!!!!!” I didn’t respond to her post because I still believed that they were both living on fantasy island.

But I was wrong. On Sunday, January 5, the University of Texas announced that it had hired 53-year-old Charlie Strong to replace Mack Brown as its 29th football coach. At the University of Louisville, Strong had amassed a 37-15 record and was 3-1 in four-straight bowl game appearances, including a victory over No. 4 Florida in the 2013 Sugar Bowl.

Strong’s appointment is even more remarkable when one considers UT’s racial history with regards to its sports programs. When the University of Texas integrated its undergraduate programs in 1956, the UT Board of Regents and university administrators offered at least six different reasons on as many different occasions as to why intercollegiate sports could not be integrated: (1) the student body would not accept the change; (2) the university had a binding “gentleman’s agreement” with other Southwest Conference (SWC) schools not to integrate athletics; (3) the university should not be the first to integrate its intercollegiate teams when some schools had not even integrated their student bodies; (4) segregated housing and eating facilities posed too great of a problem for teams traveling; (5) no good African American athletes were also good students; and (6) recruiting of good white athletes would suffer. UT administrators also eliminated such intramural sports as swimming and wrestling where they believed that bodily fluids might be exchanged between blacks and whites.

When students and faculty at UT began to speak out against segregated athletics, UT football coach Darryl Royal was “quite pronounced in not wanting any Negroes on his team until other Southwest Conference teams admit[ed] them.”

On November 9, 1963, the regents unanimously voted to desegregate all student activities at the University of Texas, and this included varsity athletics. One month later, James Means, Cecil Carter, and Oliver Patterson became the first African Americans to participate in intercollegiate athletic workouts at UT.

Still, while other SWC schools like Southern Methodist University and the University of Houston signed black football players, UT would not even recruit them. Although Royal said that he “had no objection to integration of intercollegiate athletics as such,” he worried about its effect on recruiting, claiming to fear that other schools would use UT’s integration in recruiting efforts “with the white boys and their parents who might object to such a system or prefer to live, socialize and play with white boys.”

In 1969, the University of Texas football team won a national championship with no black football players on its varsity roster—the last time an all-white team won a national championship. Many observers say that that dubious distinction still bothers Royal, whom a 1987 book quoted as saying, “What can I say? There were other all-white teams. They just didn’t win the national championship.”

The following year the University of Texas did have an African American player on its football roster, and in 2005, African American quarterback Vince Young led the team to a 13-0 record, including a 41-38 win against the University of Southern California in the BCS National Championship game. This was the University of Texas’ first national championship in football since its all-white team had won 36 years earlier.

Before the Charlie Strong hire, the University of Texas had only had one black coach to lead one of their four major programs (Rod Page had coached the women’s basketball program for two years in the 1970s), and UT had never had a black coach lead a major male sport.

In the late 1950s and into the 1960s, members of the Board of Regents and some university administrators privately worried about losing the moral—and more importantly, financial—support of white alumni, whose donations helped to supplement improvements to the school and athletic department. I suspect that today’s administrators privately shared these concerns, though the Austin-American Statesman reported last month that Red McCombs, a wealthy UT donor, would “support school officials if they hired a minority coach—assuming he was the right candidate for the job.”

Although reports suggest that Charlie Strong was probably not the first candidate that athletic director Steve Patterson wanted to hire to replace outgoing coach Mack Brown (rumors were that UT wanted to hire Alabama’s Nick Saban and UCLA’s Jim Mora, among others), he is an intriguing choice and a welcoming sign that UT is finally ready to address its racial past and erratic racial present.

As Michael Wilbon of ESPN’s “Pardon the Interruption” said on Monday’s show regarding Charlie Strong’s hire, “For the University of Texas to hire a black coach shocked the hell out of me…. I hope it’s a good fit, but I don’t know yet.”

“If you win, it’s a good fit,” Tony Kornheisher responded.

I hope Charlie Strong is a good fit, too.

I began doing research for my dissertation and what would later become my book Integrating the Forty Acres in 1996, and I have rooted against the University of Texas football program since then, mostly because I could not ignore its racial past and its desire to keep African Americans as second-class citizens both on the gridiron and in the classroom. Whether we like it or not, the football program constitutes the most public face at UT, and even pessimists like me have to admit that hiring Charlie Strong says something about the way UT and/or the world has changed for the better.

Perhaps it means too that I can more enthusiastically support my alma mater, which has contributed greatly to my success as a professor. As a writer of a book on segregation at UT, I recognize the symbolic nature of the hire; let’s just hope the support he receives from students, faculty, administrators—and most importantly, donors—is more than symbolic.

Duck Dynasty–Free Speech is not Absolute

Dear Dwonna:

What do you think about what the Duck Dynasty guy said about gay people? Doesn’t the First Amendment protect people from saying what they want to say?

 Signed,

What happened to “Freedom of Speech”?

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Dear “What happened to ‘Freedom of Speech’”?

No, we do not have an absolute right to free speech, which is why it is illegal for someone to yell “Fire!” in a crowded—or not so crowded—movie theatre. Remember the Harvard University student who this week was charged with calling in a bomb threat in order to avoid taking his final exam in his “GOV 1368: The Politics of American Education” course? He faces five years in prison and a $250,000 fine; the First Amendment does not protect folks who threaten to do harm to other people.

Moreover, “Freedom of Speech” does not mean freedom from consequences or repercussions, and public figures should know this better than most. I must often chide my college students when I see their inappropriate Facebook posts, as I don’t want their drunken party pictures or naked selfies to be a barrier from them getting the job they want in the future. I often tell these students that before they post something to Facebook or Twitter or Instagram that they should ask themselves: “Is Dr. Goldstone going to call me into her office and yell at me?”

A friend of a former student asked that we “consider the source” because Phil Robertson is “backwater bred” and that “Honey Boo Boo probably has more intelligence” than the entire Duck Dynasty clan. The problem with this logic is that not only do many, many millions of people watch Duck Dynasty (yours truly is not among them) but also because Robertson’s supporters perhaps now feel more comfortable spewing their hate in public forums like Facebook and Twitter. “God put him where he is so that his voice could be heard,” I read on the Facebook wall of someone I used to like and respect. It is very hard for me to continue respecting someone who agrees with Robertson’s views on homosexuality.

Let me be clear on this. When Phil Robertson is quoted as saying: “a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus” and “But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical,” he is NOT speaking God’s word. I will never understand people who profess to be Christians saying and/or writing ANYTHING that could harm another person. Is this really what Jesus wants HIS followers to do? Do these Christians really believe that Jesus—a man who spent a great deal of his time with prostitutes, lepers, and other outcasts of society—wants his “followers” to use His name to spread hate and judgment? Is Jesus happier that people like Phil Robertson say things that will make gay people think that they are an abomination who are on the highway to hell? Is Jesus happier that Phil Robertson widens the divide between believers and non-believers?

I imagine that Jesus weeps for those who use His name to spread the Duck Dynasty brand of Christianity. No matter what Phil Robertson, Duck Dynasty, and his supporters say, I will continue to believe that we are here on Earth to spread love and to bring good will to one another, and we have a responsibility to perform acts of kindness each and every day. Phil Robertson and his Duck Dynasty Clan have the right to say whatever they want because the First Amendment gives them “freedom of speech,” but his “freedom of speech” is not absolute. What I hope that Phil Robertson has taught us is that people of all faiths (and those of no faith at all) should do that which makes the world better. As Mother Theresa said, “Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.” This, my dear friends, should be for what we all strive with each person we encounter and in each day we live.

An Open Letter to Phil Robertson

Dear Mr. Robertson:

I won’t call you Phil, like everyone else does, because I do not know you personally. This is in the same way that you do not know me personally; however, that did not stop you from making a blanket statement about me and those like me. I’m talking about gays, not terrorists (just one group to which you equated us).

My name is Blake Haney. I was born and raised in Tennessee. I’m not just someone shouting about what you said just because I read about it on Facebook. I am someone who used to watch your show, though I have not watched it since the dispute with A&E over how much money to pay you and your family. I bought family members Duck Dynasty merchandise even after I stopped watching, but that ends today.

Growing up, I enjoyed hunting with my dad. I wasn’t avid. I wasn’t good at it either. I just enjoyed spending time with my father on the water. Waders, camo, guns…duck calls. I own one duck call. It was my dad’s, and I have held on to it for years. He even checks in every now and again to make sure I still have it. Sometimes, I’ll pull it out of the box, and I’ll call just to hear the sound. It’s a classic Duck Commander call. Funny how you were part of my life at an early age, and I never even knew.

Today, I am at a different place in my life. After years of battling, I’ve finally accepted myself for whom God made me to be—gay. I have found a church that is accepting and loving, and I have accepted a calling to help young LGBT people find their place within the church. God loves them just as much as He loves you. You had an opportunity to use your platform for greater good. Instead, you singled out a group that fights tooth and nail just to have what you talk so much about on your show: family.

Comments such as yours bring young people to their knees. They’re praying without seeing change. They’re trying, and they are failing. Instead of going on, they are choosing to end it. To say that I didn’t consider using the shotgun I had used to hunt with my father to end my own life would be a lie. Thankfully, I was able to push forward.

Your words have meaning, sir, and you must take accountability for them. I don’t care from what generation you are a product. You are old enough to know better. As one of my former professors used to tell me, “Blame your parents for the way you are. Blame yourself for the way you’ve stayed.” It’s okay to have an opinion, but make sure it’s an educated one. Critically read your Bible. Befriend an openly gay person, and ask questions. Grow.

Sincerely,

Blake Haney

My pet just died, so what do I do?

Dear Dwonna:

Last week, I had to put my 10-year-old cat to sleep after the vet and I did everything we could to save her, and I grieve so deeply for her. She was my friend and my companion, and my apartment feels so empty without her. Yesterday, I went on the humane society’s website and saw a very cute kitten that I would like to adopt. My heart says he and I both need love. What do I do?

Signed,

Just Give Me a Reason

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Dear “Just Give Me a Reason”:

First, let me say just how sorry I am for your loss. I am an animal person, and now that two of my dogs are more than 10 years old, I worry about the day when I might have to make that decision for them. When I had to put my 12-year-old black lab Langston Hughes to sleep five years ago, I told my mom that if I did not have three other dogs that I would probably never get another dog. The pain was so great, and I deeply missed Langston. He was best friend who had helped get me through my PhD program at the University of Texas at Austin.

I have a friend who believes that our pets do not leave us until they know that we will be ok without them, and I’ve often thought this about Langston Hughes. He loved me even before I was in therapy, and he was with me when I moved to Clarksville and then to Nashville. When he died, I think he knew that I could get along without him especially since I had three other dogs at home to help take care of me. I’m certain your cat knows this about you, too.

Some people think that they should wait before they get another pet because they believe that they are being disloyal to their pet if they replace him too soon, or they think that they should fully grieve their lost pet before they bring another one into their lives. I would like to think that our pets want us to continue loving and that they don’t see a new pet as a replacement but rather a continuation of the love we had for them. We all have a reservation at some cemetery (or mausoleum or crematory) without benefit of cancelation, and before we die, we should love as many animals and as many people as we can. I imagine that you have a lot of love to give a new kitten, and adopting that kitten today will open up space for an animal tomorrow who might have otherwise been euthanized.

I’m going to end this with something I saw on Facebook this weekend, and although it was written about dogs, it can apply to the all animals we love.

 “God said I need somebody strong enough to pull sleds and find bombs, yet gentle enough to love babies and lead the blind. Somebody who will spend all day on a couch with a resting head and supportive eyes to lift the spirits of a broken heart, so God made a dog.”

 It’s never too soon to bring another cat into your home and into your life. Why miss an opportunity to love and be loved? 

A War on Christmas?

Dear Dwonna:

What do you think about those people who insist that there is a “War on Christmas” and that we should be saying “Merry CHRISTmas” and not “Happy Holidays”?

Signed,

Put Christ Back in Christmas?

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Dear “Put Christ Back in Christmas”:

I recently got into a Facebook “spat” with a woman I went to elementary school with over this very issue, and a former student accused me of condemning all Christians for the meme that appears at the bottom of this answer. After posting an article allegedly by Ben Stein that lambasted President Obama’s for changing the name of the White House Christmas tree to the White House Holiday Tree, I posted a link from Snopes.com that explained that Ben Stein never wrote this article and that this hoopla over the name change was kind of made up. My grade school friend then told me it was only because of “political correctness” that people were saying “Happy holidays.” “It should be Merry CHRISTmas,” she wrote.

While many people profess to be Christians and argue that this is a “Christian nation” that was founded on “Christian values”—never mind that many of the Founding Fathers were deists—too many Americans do not behave in a “Christ-like” manner. Leading the charge to cut food stamps, judging the poor rather than helping them, and vehemently fighting against the Affordable Care Act (aka “Obamacare”) does not seem very Christ-like to me. I’m no Biblical scholar, but I do know that the Bible contains many passages about helping the sick and the poor. For example, Deuteronomy 15:10 reads: “Give generously to [them] and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to.” Proverbs 14:31 says, in part: “[W]hoever is kind to the needy honors God.”

Yes, there are toy drives and canned food drives and angel trees to help the needy during this holiday season, yet for many, the Christmas season is now a commodity—a time to give friends and family gifts we probably cannot afford and that they won’t even remember they have in two weeks. Thus, it is a bit disingenuous to argue about whether we say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays.” If we really want to continue this “War on Christmas,” then we should focus not on whether we say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” to each other but on how we treat each other each and every day of the year. The Christmas/holiday season should be about kindness, charity, love, and good will towards one another and not about what we call it.

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